Tag Archives: life

I immediately regret this decision

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A mistake

A mistake, originally uploaded by greefus groinks.

I must be doing this wrong. By "this," I mean "life."

I keep a set of to-do lists on Remember The Milk. For today, a Saturday, there are six items on the list, including some that would take a few minutes and some that would take about a half hour.

On the Overdue list there are eight items. Several of those are things I’d planned to complete earlier in the week and kept postponing. I’ve already rescheduled things that seemed less important, so I’m staring at a list of tasks that I need to complete if I’m to keep my business afloat.

Not on any list are: baking bread for my family’s Easter brunch tomorrow; buying wine for Easter dinner; cleaning the house because I scheduled a work-related meeting here tomorrow, between Easter brunch and dinner; starting work on taxes; walking around downtown Butler to spot signs for offices for rent; making stew to eat next week. Not to mention eating, sleeping, and staring out the window while my coffee grows cold.

I have read the Getting Things Done book and set up my 43 folders, which are the only things standing between me and total chaos. I understand the GTD concept. Getting going with it feels wholly out of reach.

I’ve done better lately with eliminating anything from my life that isn’t critically necessary (laundry, dishes) or personally important. But my life is still too full.

This makes no sense. Other people seem to manage their lives pretty well. They have no more hours in a day than I do. How do you all manage it?

I got chills; they’re multiplying

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Jedi

Jedi, originally uploaded by PhillipWest.

Monday night I started to feel a little ill: chills, tiredness, headache. Tuesday I was focused on making it to and through meetings and a presentation at Refresh Pittsburgh, all of which were quite engaging and interesting.

But by Tuesday evening I could tell that all was not well — or more specifically, that I was not well. Despite all the colds and flu viruses and other forms of illness circulating, I’d survived most of the winter largely unscathed. But this could not last.

I’m not too bad off. Vehement coughing, lung congestion, off-and-on headaches, off-and-on fever. Now a little head congestion has kicked in too, to spice things up. Could be worse. In any case, I’m playing it safe, resting a lot and drinking echinecea tea and watching television.

This turns out to be a nice thing, this sitting and resting and not thinking too hard.

I just finished watching "How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" (not bad, very dated, kind of OK for a slow night if you don’t hate musicals). Now I am embarking on the first of three parts of that BBC version "Pride and Prejudice" with Colin Firth and … well, I don’t know or care who else, they’re a bunch of other people who do a nice job being around Colin Firth. (Oh yeah, that girl who played Sapphie on "Absolutely Fabulous" is the wayward sister.) I’ve seen this production before — more than once — so there are no surprises, only the perfect re-enactment of a drama that ends happily.

I’m sure more than a night or two of downtime wouldn’t work for me. (Amusing turn of phrase, that, isn’t it?) But the occasional cold serves as a reminder that there’s more to life than accomplishing lots of stuff. And, uncomfortable though a cold always is, a nice reminder it can be.

(About the picture: I searched Flickr for a photo of tissues to help depict my current state, and this Jedi popped up. He doesn’t particularly apply to my post, but I thought he was cool.)

Small triumphs

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Night Snow

Night Snow, originally uploaded by Eamon33.

Tonight: I successfully rallied from a tapped-out, low-pulse afternoon (after an intense, thought-packed morning), and found the energy to babysit an almost-two-year-old for the evening, keeping her entertained but gradually transitioning her to sleep mode — and changing her poopy diaper. Then I worked on an important, overdue proposal, sat to chat with my sister and catch up on weeks of activity. Next I hopped in my car and successfully navigated it, sled-like in snow though it is, across icy roads through the wintery night to my home, in time to post this tiny slice of life before midnight.

Life is grand.

News

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Mallard at dawn

Mallard at dawn, originally uploaded by Memotions.

I’ve mentioned a few times recently a family friend who was hospitalized, and then in the ICU. She’d had a brain hemorrhage and other complications, and she’d been on life support for several days. All her children had flown in to say goodbye. Her family had made the hard choice to take her off machines.

They did turn everything off, and she was on fluids only.

And then she woke up. Within a day she was talking. Today she started walking again.

What a crazy, wonderful thing.

This seems a good time to add another thank you to all who sent well-wishes for my mom’s surgery this week. She’s doing well also, her foot swathed in bandages and propped up high on her bed, her nightstand and headboard stacked high with books to keep her amused while she’s laid up.

Morning

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CPMC Surgery

CPMC Surgery, originally uploaded by crucially.

My mom is in the hospital this morning, undergoing surgery to repair her foot. She broke her foot sometime last year; she slipped while walking down stairs, and though she barely fell at all she tore a tendon in her heel. The tendon is irreparable, but the surgery will relieve pain and make it easier to walk.

This surgery comes just months after other surgery to replace her knee. A couple years ago my father had a hip replaced, and he should have the other replaced too but, typically for him, he has put it off indefinitely.

Dad doesn’t hear too well anymore, but rather than see a specialist, he wears the decrepit hearing aid his mother wore — it’s decades old, doesn’t fit him, and helps his hearing not at all.

When I stopped by my parents’ house last night, they were just finishing dinner. Mom had me fix myself a plate of pot roast with noodles and vegetables, and we sat around the table as we always did.

But not everything was the same. Conversation centered first on my mom’s search for a wheelchair, to use after her surgery. Then we talked about a close family friend who has been in the ICU for days and probably won’t survive many days longer.

My younger brother Jude was wearing pajamas at the dinner table, at 7pm, which seemed unusual even by Closkey standards; he’s become an old curmudgeon well before his time. After dinner Dad sat watching TV wrapped in a blanket against the cold, exactly where my grandmother used to sit and looking for all the world like her reincarnation.

As much as a downer as this all should be — all of us growing old and staring Death in the eye, my mother undergoing anesthesia right this moment — I find myself cheerful. The sun shines through my window, I’m drinking fresh, hot coffee, and I’m looking ahead to a day full of good work for clients I like.

I’d like to draw a Wise Thought from this, some pithy sentence to share with everyone or to think back on myself when life seems grim. All I have, though, is this feeling that the day is new, and that whatever it brings is enough.

An antidote to a pervasive sense of death

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Abe Vigoda as Fish in the TV show "Barney Miller"

Two thousand eight has started well for me, as years go. Lots of work to do — interesting work too. I’ve a least little time each week to spend with family and friends, the weather has been mellow, I’m feeling healthy…. Things are good.

Yet I keep feeling that I’m surrounded by images of death. The 22-year-old daughter of friends is killed, apparently by her boyfriend. A close family friend is hospitalized with a brain hemorrage, and her children are told to fly home to say goodbye. The next selection for my book group is The Gathering, a novel that centers on the funeral of a young Irish man who committed suicide. I buy a book of essays (Best American Essays 2006), and most of them seem to deal with death of a loved one.

Yesterday, I heard that Heath Ledger had died. I’ve always liked Ledger’s acting, and I’m looking forward to The Dark Knight, but I’ve never been a starstruck fan. All the same, the news of his death hit me hard. It seemed like yet another example of this month, this year, being all about death and dying.

Of course I realize that there’s nothing to this perceived trend. There’s just as much life around me as death. For some reason, my brain has become stuck in a mode of noticing death, putting extra emphasis on it. It’s a self-fulfilling cycle, and it’s bringing me down.

But I have decided to get out of this mental rut, to focus on life and the living. As my model, I look to Abe Vigoda. He’s a fine character actor, but more importantly, he’s still alive.

Mr. Vigoda was erroneously reported to be dead in 1982 by People magazine. Since then, his continued existence has been a source of humor.

But for me, he’s now also a symbol of continued perseverence and on-going life force. Go, Fish!